Opinion: There should be a dating app based on your car

There’s a new dating site called Refrigerdating, which is like Tinder except it shows you inside someone’s fridge, and you swipe left or right based on what’s lined up in someone’s icebox.

I’m not making this up. This is a real thing.

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“We’re all dating detectives,” says John Stonehill, the guy who came up with Refrigerdating. “Nothing says more about who we are than what we eat or drink.”

Balls. Almost everything says more about who you are than the contents of your fridge, unless you’re Jeffrey Dahmer, and no-one wants to date that guy, and not just because he’s dead.

On the other hand, a dating app based on what and how someone drives – now that could really give you an insight into a person. (A Honda Insight insight? That person will glare at you if you don’t properly separate your recycling.)

Someone who sticks exactly to the speed limit? He’s steady and reliable, but a little boring. Someone who hangs the tail a little through every roundabout? She’s fiery and passionate, but a little bit crazy. Someone in a Camry? Conservative, not a risk-taker. Someone in a Megane RS? Hard-charger with a penchant for uncomfortable seating. Someone with a Magic Happens bumper sticker? Will die alone and unloved even by their cats.

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Cars are a much better match for dating apps than fridges – cars are sexy in a way that white goods are not, which is why no-one ever taped a poster of a bikini model straddling a chest freezer on their bedroom door. The cars we buy reflect who we’d like to be, and our driving reflects who we are, more accurately than whether there’s an old jar of mustard in the back of your fridge.

And if you could meet someone while stuck in traffic, and the first date went great, you could always consummate it in the machine that brought you together. Going home to get freaky in the vegetable crisper just isn’t the same, trust me. (And I swear, nurse, that’s how that zucchini ended up stuck in there...)

The only concern is how one would write a personal message to another driver – somehow, everything to do with driving ends up sounding like “unsolicited dick pic” levels of creepy:
“I’ll let you in because you clearly need it, but I expect a friendly wave afterwards.” Ugh, swipe left.
“I can fit seven people, but the last two had better be pretty short.” Ugh! Swipe left.
“I go too fast and I always finish first.” Urgh! Swipe left!
“I’m going up the inside whether you like it or not.” URGH! Swipe left and delete app!

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Now, some car-based dating sites do already exist, but they’re more tailored towards connecting young women with men who own Ferraris. Any woman who only wants to date men who can afford a six-figure stickerprice may be looking for more than affection. And if you own a Ferrari and still have to go online to pick up women, you may need to update your wig.

No, I’m thinking more of the general population than that. In fact, I think a dating app should be mandatory software programmed into every new car – maybe it’s a better solution to our traffic woes than any billion-dollar Hyperloop.

If simply asking people not to be asshats isn’t enough to make them better drivers, maybe the possibility of getting laid will. Imagine if every driver was on their best behaviour, as though every commute or trip to the shops was a first date. There’d be a widespread surge in thoughtful driving, and peak hour would turn into happy hour.

And nothing’s as sexy as watching a really neat and confident reverse park, am I right ladies? Ladies? Hello?

Now all I need is a snappy title like Refrigerdating. Sex Drive? Blinkr? CarPlay? Wait, I think that one’s taken.