Toyota Corolla Altis ESPORT Nurburgring Edition

WATCH out, Honda Civic Type R and Renaultsport Megane, there’s a new kid in town. Meet the hottest-looking hatchback to ever roll out of a showroom ­­­– the Toyota Corolla Altis ESPORT Nurburgring Edition

On sale in Thailand from April 1, surely this CVT-shod corner carving Corolla is an April Fool’s joke. Google Translate tells us that the newly launched Corolla Altis ESPORT Nurburgring Edition – which is believed to have been once shown a picture downloaded from the Internet of the punishing German track – is made as a “new alternative to customers who love a challenge and need inspiration. Especially those who love to drive a joyful mood in driving the Corolla Altis S”. That’s a clearly defined customer, then.

Along with beefed-up (or is that hammed-up?) suspension, the Corolla Altis ESPORT Nurburgring Edition – which is yet to boast its improved dynamics by carving its way around the Carousel at the car-breaking German track – gains a sporty ground-effect aero pack that “reduces air resistance and reduces fuel consumption”, a Nurburgring sticker, LED headlights and daytime running lights, and special 17-inch alloys. Note that the previous record-holding hatches didn’t need the sticker, ran bigger wheels and made no mention of fuel economy …

The Corolla Altis ESPORT Nurburgring Edition – which is yet to set the infamous German track alight with the snap and crackle of its atmo 1.8-litre four-pot – uses a continuously variable transmission (don’t all hot street cars?) “that is customised to add emotion to drive the sport even more”. There’s not a dual-clutch or a manual gearbox in sight.

Still, it gains paddle shifters behind a steering wheel featuring red stitching highlights along with bucket seats and a red strips running along the piano black dash, with an immeasurable performance gain no doubt.

If it ever makes it to the Nurburgring, the Corolla Altis ESPORT Nurburgring Edition will need to fight for the front-wheel-drive record recently broken by a roll-caged production version of the now-turbocharged Civic Type R, which sits at 7min 50.63sec. Our bet is it’s more suited to the car park nestled snuggly between caravans and bratwurst stands, as its ability to carry fireworks is much more realistic than its ability to create them…

The super hyped-up Corolla is available in either black or white, as contrasting tones as the idea that this thing can tackle the Nurburgring with any ounce of poise, grace or credibility. Oh what a feeling.